Kloke ord og sitater for enhver anledning

Jordnødder april 14, 2013

Filed under: Humor,Moro,Vits — gullkorn @ 2:01 pm

En bus kører med en gruppe ældre kvinder på motorvejen, de er på vej hjem fra en shoppetur.

Så bliver buschaufføren pludselig prikket på skulderen. En gammel dame spørger om han vil have en håndfuld jordnødder. Chaufføren tager taknemmeligt imod og guffer i sig.

Et kvarter senere prikker den lille gamle dame ham igen på skulderen og spørger om han vil have endnu en håndfuld jordnødder.

Han tager taknemmeligt imod dem og hygger sig med nødderne.
Dette gentager sig 5 gange og så spørger han, hvorfor den gamle dame og de andre damer ikke vil have nødderne selv.
«Vi kan ikke spise dem, for vi har ingen tænder» svarer hun.
«Men hvorfor køber i dem så?» spørger chaufføren.
«Jo du ved; vi elsker bare den chokolade som er udenpå dem» svarer damen!


De to søyene juni 23, 2011

Filed under: Dyr,Humor,Vits — gullkorn @ 7:08 pm

Og så var de de to søyene som sto ute på et jorde. Den ene søya spurte den andre: Hva slags vær tror du det blir i morgen? Naboens, tror jeg, svarte den andre søya.. 🙂


Judas Aspargus mars 8, 2010

Filed under: Barn,Bibelen,Gullkorn,Humor,Vits — gullkorn @ 1:55 pm
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon a ll of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You must share this delightful story!


Ikke ta i mot godteri fra fremmede…

Filed under: Humor,Vits — gullkorn @ 1:08 pm




Christmas Joke desember 4, 2008

Filed under: Humor,Jul,Moro,Vits — gullkorn @ 8:51 pm

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’, Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said: ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And so the Christmas season begins…… 🙂