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Juleevangeliet for «fjortiser» :) april 14, 2013

Filed under: Gullkorn,Humor,Jesus,Jul,Ungdom — gullkorn @ 1:23 pm
Tags: , , , ,

«Det skjedde i de dager at det gikk ut en befaling fra keiser Augustus om at hele verden skulle joine en gruppe: «Vi som vil skrives inn i manntall». Dette skjedde mens Kvirinius var helt sjef i Syria, og gruppa fikk drøyt mange likes. Josef traska fra byen Nasaret i Galilea, opp til Judea, til Davids by Betlehem, for å signe manntallet sammen med Maria, dama hans, som hadde ei bolle i ommen. Og mens de var der, hevet bolla, for å si det sånn, og Maria leverte varene. Hu pakka kidden inn i noe tøy, og la’n i ei krybbe, for det var ikke plass til dem i herberget. Det var noen gjetere som var ute i natta og passa på sheepsa sine. Med ett var Herrens engler F2F, og Herrens diggbarhet lyste. Gjeterne bare: «OMG!», og engelen bare: «Slapp av, gutta! Jeg kommer med en tweet om glede, en glede for hele folket: #Frelser #Kristus #jomfrufødsel og dette skal dere ha til tegn: Dere skal finne en kid som er innpakka i noe tøy og ligger i ei krybbe.» Så kom engelens followers, en himmelsk hærskare, som ga masse kudos til Gud og retweeta: #Frelser #Kristus, og #ffnor Gud og fred på Jorden blant mennesker som har Guds velbehag» Da englene hadde tatt kvelden, sa gjeterne til hverandre: «La oss stikke inn til Betlehem for å kolla läget.» Og der fant de Maria og Josef og den lille kiden som læxan i krybba. Da oppretta de en ny gruppe: «Vi som har sett Jesus Kristus, Guds sønn». Folk bare: «Saklig, LOL». Gruppa fikk ikke så mange likes, for å si det sånn, men det var bare i starten, for seinere i livet fikk Jesus sinnssykt mange followers. Og Maria bare: «#DenFølelsen» Og gjeterne bare: «Helt konge!!!

Reklamer
 

A third grade boy explains God mai 6, 2010

Filed under: Baby,Barn,Familie,Far,Gud,Gullkorn,Jesus,Livet,Mamma,Mor,Pappa,Tro — gullkorn @ 4:03 am
Tags:

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn’t have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for
something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista, where I live. At least there aren’t any who come to our church. Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They
finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn’t have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to Church because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God. Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared in the dark or when you can’t swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that’s why I believe in God.

 

The mama test april 14, 2010

Filed under: Barn,Datter,Familie,Far,Foreldre,Gullkorn,Humor,Kvinner,Mamma,Menn,Mor,Pappa — gullkorn @ 2:29 am

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked. ‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied’.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart. ‘ I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mama test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mama.’ We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy..’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

 

Judas Aspargus mars 8, 2010

Filed under: Barn,Bibelen,Gullkorn,Humor,Vits — gullkorn @ 1:55 pm
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon a ll of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

You must share this delightful story!

 

Barn sier det…

Filed under: Barn,Gullkorn — gullkorn @ 1:04 pm

cid:A037C57C37AD42B88BBC160124B9C465@Ulricadator
En liten flicka pratade med sin lärare om valar. Läraren sa att det
var fysiskt omöjligt för en val att svälja en människa då valen,
fastän den är ett väldigt stort däggdjur, har en väldigt smal hals.

Den lilla flicka sa då att Jona svaldes av en val.
Irriterad upprepade läraren att en val inte kan svälja en människa; det är fysiskt omöjligt. Den lilla flickan sa, «När jag kommer till himlen ska jag fråga Jona».

Läraren frågade, «Men tänk om Jona hamnade i helvetet?»


Den lilla flickan svarade, «Då får du fråga honom».


cid:FEB2142235E448A4BDAB2E13C23193C9@Ulricadator
En dagislärare såg på barnen i klassrummet medan de ritade. Då
och då gick hon runt för att titta på vad varje barn ritade.

När hon kom fram till en liten flicka som arbetade ihärdigt frågade läraren vad flickan ritade.


Flickan svarade, «jag ritar Gud».


Läraren stannade upp och sa, «Men ingen vet hur Gud ser ut».


Utan minsta tvekan och med blicken kvar på teckningen, svarade flickan: «Det kommer de veta om en liten stund».


cid:BC4DE7B535EF479595BEBDF143FD07BB@Ulricadator

En söndagsskolelärare diskuterade de tio budorden med hennes
fem- och sexåringar.

Efter att ha förklarat budordet att «hedra din fader och din moder», frågade läraren, «finns det ett budord som lär hos hur vi ska behandla våra syskon?»
Svaret kom direkt från en liten pojke (den äldste i sin familj)
:
«Du skall inte döda..»


cid:9D2198B1A82E44EAB33F16FC581CA5A3@Ulricadator

En dag satt en liten flicka och tittade på medan hennes mamma diskade i kökshon. Hon upptäckte plötsligt att hennes mamma hade flera vita hårstrån som syntes väl som kontrast mot hennes bruna hår. Flickan såg på sin mamma och frågade nyfiket: «Varför är en del av ditt hår vitt, mamma?»

Hennes mamma svarade: «Tja, varje gång du gör något dåligt och får mig att gråta eller vara olycklig, så blir ett av mina hårstrån vitt.»


Den lilla flickan tänkte en stund på detta och sa sedan: «Mamma, varför är mormors hår HELT vitt?»

cid:23C939236C9C49148D9F8BC18338D306@Ulricadator

Barnen hade alla blivit fotograferade och läraren försökte övertyga dem alla att köpa varsin kopia av gruppfotot.

«Tänk bara hur roligt det blir att titta på fotot när ni har vuxit upp och säga
‘där är Jennifer, hon är advokat’ eller ‘där är Michael, han är läkare’.» En liten röst hördes någonstans ifrån rummet, «Och där är läraren, hon är död.»


cid:29BC207B18464B1DBB0B7573529186D8@Ulricadator
En lärare höll en lektion om blodcirkulation. I ett försök att förklara närmare sa hon, «Om jag ställde mig på huvudet nu skulle blodet som ni vet rinna ner i det och jag skulle bli röd i ansiktet.»

«Ja», sa klassen.


«Hur kommer det sig då att när jag står upprätt som vanligt så

rinner inte blodet ner i mina fötter?»

En liten grabb ropade:
«För att dina fötter inte är tomma.»


cid:00D4F7564C684CA78BE61495A954BB82@Ulricadator
Barnen stod i kö i matsalen i en katolsk lågstadieskola för att få
sin lunch. Längst fram på bordet fanns en stor hög med äpplen.
En nunna skrev en lapp och satte den på äppelskålen:

«Ta bara ETT. Gud tittar på.»


Längre bort i lunchkön, på den bortre delen av bordet fanns en

stor hög med chokladkakor. Ett barn hade skrivit en lapp: «Ta så många du vill. Gud tittar på äpplena.»


cid:0CB5B7BDBF7C4082906928EFD51717B0@Ulricadator

Det spelar ingen roll hur många människor du skickar det här
till, kom bara ihåg att om det fick dig att skratta så kommer
dina vänner också att skratta.

cid:8085DCD4804249988170538309C5E9C7@Ulricadator

 

Historien om Kua oktober 19, 2008

Filed under: Barn,Dyr,Gullkorn,Humor — gullkorn @ 2:06 pm

Skrevet av_ elev på barneskolen

Kua er et husdyr…Men den kommer også utenfor huset. Og den lever ofte på landet, men den kommer også inn til byen, men bare når den skal dø.  Men det bestemmer den ikke selv.

Kua har syv sider…Den øverste siden – Den nederste siden – Den forrerste siden – Den bakerste siden – Den ene siden – Den andre siden – Og den innvendige siden. På den fremste siden sitter hodet…Og det er fordi hornene skal ha noe å sitte fast på.   Hornene er av horn å er bare til pynt.De kan ikke bevege seg,men det kan ørene.De sitter ved siden av hornene.
Kua har to hull foran i hodet.De kalles ku-øyer. Kuas munn kalles mule.Det er nok fordi den sier muuhh. På den bakerste siden sitter halen…Den bruker den til å jage vekk fluer med, så de ikke faller ned i melka å drukner.
På den øverste siden – Og den ene siden – Og den andre siden er det kun hår…Det heter ku-hår og har alltid samme farve som kua.Fargen  til kua heter kulør .
Den nederste siden er den viktigste for der henger melka.Og når budeia åpner kranene så renner melka ut.Når det tordner så blir melka sur…men hvordan den blir det har jeg ikke lært meg ennå.
Kua har fire ben…De heter ku-ben,De kan også brukes til å trekke ut spiker med.Kua spiser ikke så mye,men når den gjør det spiser den alltid to ganger.
De fete kuene lager helmelk,Og når kua har dårlig mage lager den ost.I osten er det hull,Men hvordan den lager hullene har jeg heller ikke lært ennå.
Kua har god luktesans…Vi kan lukte den på lang avstand. Kuas valper heter kalver.Kalvens far heter okse,Og det gjør kuas mann også.Oksen lager ikke melk å er derfor ikke et pattedyr.
Den som kommer å henter kua når den blir gammel heter ku-fanger. den sitter ofte forann på biler. Så blir kua slaktet,man heller melka på pappkartonger som vi kan kjøpe på butikken. Kuas fire ben blir sendt til snekkern. Det kalles gjennbruk.
Som man kan se er kua et nyttig dyr. Og derfor liker jeg kua veldig godt.  

Lærerens kommentar: Jeg har aldri lest noe lignende.

 

Holy Humour

Filed under: Bibelen,Gullkorn,Humor,Livet,Tro — gullkorn @ 8:36 am
Tags:

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
‘I know what the Bible means!’
His father smiled and replied, ‘What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, ‘I do know!’
‘Okay,’ said his father. ‘What does the Bible mean?’
‘That’s easy, Daddy…’ the young boy replied excitedly,’ It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ 
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.
‘Only the Ten Commandments. ‘ answered the lady.

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‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good Lord, it’s morning.’
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note ‘I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.’

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… ‘Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.’
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’
The minister chuckled, ‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’

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People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, and the centre of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’ Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said, ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ he said impatiently. ‘But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’
During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.’
At that moment, the substitute organist played, ‘O Canada .’
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!